Rediscovering Your True Self: Parentification and the "Gifted Child"
When a child is particularly emotionally intelligent, and a parent is particularly emotionally vulnerable, an inversion of the typical relationship can occur where the child devotes themselves to meeting the parent’s needs rather than the other way around. This can lead the child to lose touch with their own wants and needs – with their authentic self – which then leads to underlying feelings of worthlessness, uncertainty, and self-alienation in adulthood.
Extreme versions of this pattern are known as parentification, but mild to moderate versions are surprisingly common. On today’s episode of Being Well, Dr. Rick Hanson and I explore how we can heal from the effects of these difficult early experiences and rediscover who we truly are.
Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
2:55: Distinction between parentification and the gifted child
5:05: Serving a psychological function - what is the “gift” we’re talking about?
7:50: Self-definition vs. defining yourself through relationship
10:30: Examples of generational patterns
16:45: Accumulation of subtle forms of parentification over time
21:55: Patterns of interactions and differentiation
24:00: Summary of the process and effect of parentification
27:00: The manic defense against depression
30:30: What can people do about this pattern?
35:00: Love, aspiration, and power in parenting styles
40:20: Creating a coherent and balanced narrative
43:30: Seductive narratives, grief not shame, claiming your nature
51:25: What emotions were you permitted to feel as a child?
53:35: Recap
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